This year is different, I found that as I awoke today alone as my family was gone and in town spending time with grandma. Being alone a sense of deep remorse and dread came over me. thinking deeply about it the feeling grew into a thought that became clearer with one word, Mother.
From the time I was a young child, being the oldest I had a clear memory of how things progressed in my families life. Even at the earliest times I cannot recall ever seeing my mother smile. Rarely did I ever get hugs or kisses from my mother. I now that at some time in my mothers life she was a happy person because I have pictures of her smiling and looking happy.
Considering they are from a time before she became a wife and then a mother, perhaps there lies the impetus behind the decline of my mother into becoming an unhappy person.
As the years went by and I left my broken and dysfunctional family, I made my own way through life struggling with the poor examples of love and kindness I had been given, I worked on not being what I had learned from my Mother. This is not to say that my Father had nothing to do with this, I will speak of that perhaps on Fathers day.
Throughout my life I struggled with what it meant to have a relationship with a woman and of course I could take the easy way out and blame my mother but that would be a lie. I often would wallow in that feeling, but being somewhat intelligent I knew that I made my own choices to either be a victim or survivor of my past.
A year later….
A year has passed since I wrote the above, not much has changed except that our country is in catastrophic turmoil and people have unleashed their deeply hidden fears and hates and loves. Mother’s day is near and as far as what I wrote it is still all true and more. My Partner the Mother of my younger children is unhappy with herself but not because of me, because of herself. In a situation like that there is not a lot a person can do but to be supportive, but even that seems lacking at times more often than not.
As a Father I feel challenged but comfortable with my abilities to rise up to the occasion but as a Partner I feel at a loss, My father died in the time between this and the original beginning of this letter to my self. I know that my Partner is a good soul and kind hearted individual that takes too much to heart and bears it like a pain when my honesty is wielded too often like a knife.
My honesty with her is not intended to hurt but to try to help, I cannot lie when so much is at stake and she having spent a long time together with me has learned to become stronger. I guess the question for me is, have I become more gentle and understanding? I doubt my self at times but I know in this insanely wicked world that is evolving around us, the time for kid gloves is over. Our children depend on us to become stronger more now than ever, the need to be kind but honest with our feelings is needed by them and will only help to make them stronger in the future.
Looking back, my Mother was not a kind or attentive Mother, very deeply engrossed in her own pain. Because of that, I have a disdain for people who wallow in it, pain, and having a lack of sense how it effects those around them. Yes I became intolerant of that type of weakness, but years later I learned that my Mother suffered, she suffered from something none of us had knowledge off at the time when we were children. My Mother was Schizophrenic in the truest sense of the word in all of it’s clinical descriptions, she was classic.
When I learned of this I felt a great deal of remorse for what I felt about her over all the years of my lack of understanding. True her condition was no excuse for my intolerance of her behavior, and perhaps had I been a more understanding person growing up I wold have been kinder to her. Yet where is the line drawn between the child needing the attention and the parent? Where is it written that the child becomes the caretaker of the parent in young age when an obvious problem is present in the parent?
Which brings me to the present, in this time of confusion a phenomenon is occurring, people are taking their lives in large numbers, young, old, young adults, there is no pattern to the age or type of person save two things, they are either very disturbed people or they are kind, loving helpful people, it is the latter that I want to speak to.
Our world has become rampant with anger and hate, large doses of chaotic finger pointing is occurring among the leaders as well as the public, and the innovation of Social Media has made it more obvious as the tools of reporting are focusing on these events. Too often you see adults speaking like bullies on the playground and the leaders are constantly accusing others instead of taking responsibility for their own leadership.
In the middle of all this anger and hate and accusation are the kind hearted, standing in disbelief that the world they love so much is turning in to a cesspool of disgusting behavior that tears at their hearts, their very souls. People who feel deeply sometimes have a hard time expressing their feelings and those who only wish to serve (does this sound familiar) find it hard to tell anyone what is going on inside for fear of putting anyone out.
Our world has reached a turning point of great proportions. It’s time to make the true decision inside ourselves. Are we willing to let the Bullies of the world drive us in to a pit they are creating with their destructive warlike ways and the belief that might makes right?
Let me say it are we willing to let the misguided Fathers and Mothers destroy the only planet we have for our children? A man once stood in a temple and drove those who would worship money from that temple. He said this is my Fathers house it is a house of worship. He did this not for his Father but because of his Mother a kind loving soul that Deity touched and said you will be honored among women. No matter what you believe there is only one mother we all share, and you are walking on her every day.
Mothers day is not about one person anymore, like the changes our world is going through we need to embrace a greater thought one that honors the kind hearted, the people who only want to love and serve this life, not those who wish to destroy it. We need to do this for them before it’s too late, before they are all gone!
Happy Mother’s Day